This is my first blog entry! I've decided that my site is done enough for me to start writing (it's actually been "done enough" for awhile, I've just been putting it off). I still want to add things to my site of course because I'm still pretty new to css and html but the most of it is good enough for me.
I hope everyone had a nice holiday. Christmas itself was okay, but I overall haven't been doing well lately. I've been overthinking a lot, and dissociating. A. Lot. It's difficult to view myself as... myself, my room as mine, my parents as my own. Same with my memories. I can remember them when I think hard enough but they're not my own memories, I'm not remembering them as my own, but as someone else's. I am unsure of why. I'm frequently in a dissociative state like this but not like it is now. Perhaps the idea of school starting back up in a week is stressing me out? Who knows. The human mind is weird.
On top of that, I've been terribly fixated on South Park again. It's been one of my special interests for awhile now and while it's never really gone away, there are periods where I'll hyperfixate on it badly and now is one of those times. I think it's because I got The Fractured but Whole for Christmas and I finished it in 2 days. I liked it a lot, and although I hear how its worse than The Stick of Truth I actually liked TFBW a lot better, maybe it's because I like superhero shit better than I like fantasy shit? It's pretty buggy (especially near the end) but it was still very fun. Fuck Cousin Kyle. I don't like him.
And now I've been. Rewatching South Park again because it's the only thing on my mind lately. Boy do I love having autism. If I wasn't still on winter break I would be dead.
I went on all of my pages and edited out the link to my tumblr, I maybe MAYBE might post art there occasionally, but I don't really have a reason to because I don't really use social media anymore. I had taken a break from it because I caught myself using it too much. I redownloaded it yesterday because I felt more responsible about it but I immediately got stressed out and promptly deleted it again. If I do ever post on there again, it will be a quick one off. I will never start scrolling on it again.
Originally, I had considered replacing the link with my ao3 account, but I decided I don't really want everyone to know what I read on there. Just Toyhouse and Artfight work fine I think. Really they're the only online accounts I regularly use and want people to know about, aside from this site and my discord that I don't like giving out willy-nilly. (Currently my Artfight link goes to a dead page but that's because I plan on changing my user as soon as I can)
My mind has been very full lately. I think too much, my thoughts are too loud. Luckily shutting them up is easy, all I have to do is put on South Park and let my brain turn off (I swear, I'm like a baby with its plastic keys). I would go in detail about what these thoughts are to me but there are too many. I can't do it. Picking apart certain thoughts and word strings is impossible sometimes. I can really only pick apart what my brain says when I'm outside with music and able to turn everything about myself off, and I can't bring my laptop outside to write right now because 1. it's 2 AM, and 2. it's been raining all day.
Something else I have been doing is photography. I got a nice camera from the holidays as well because my last one was really, really cheap and was unusable from water damage (it's not my fault I swear it was advertised as a waterproof camera). Both Nikon. Quite nice. The sunset was really nice today (yesterday?) because of the clouds. I love sunsets when it's cloudy because it turns everything pink. I would post my pictures but they're 6000 x 4000 pixels and I think that would kill my neocities storage. I'll figure it out later.
I think that's all I'm going to write right now. I need to go to bed, and I also have a fuzzy memory of the past. Everything so I don't have much else to write about. That's actually why I'm starting this blog, kind of like a digital journal for myself, to help me remember shit. I have the habit of telling myself that things didn't happen and aren't real and maybe if I have an account from the day that thing happened, I will believe myself when I tell myself it's real. I also just like talking/typing even if no one will listen/read.
- Cody